Before I Do: Finding Mr. and Mrs. Right

/in /by

We all go through mess-ups in life. I always believe that when you lose, you don’t really lose if you’ve learned. I recently came across a high school classmate whose had a failed marriage in the past just like me and through our drive I asked him to write it down. I hope it blesses you as it has blessed me.

I am not here to discourage you from getting married. No, not at all. Although the title of my talk today sounds as negative as it could possibly get for a marriage counselling workshop, it is furthest from the truth. My objective in being with you guys who are about to “tie the knot” is to give you direct hand experiences of things that happened to me while I was married that led to its ultimate downfall, and in learning these mistakes I made, can help you avoid them.

Almost 10 years now after my ex-wife and I filed for divorce, I realized what a major son-of-a-bitch husband I was. Many of my closest friends will argue that my ex is partially to blame for our failed marriage but if I were to be fair in terms of the percentage in which I was the problem or cause of the problem, it’s probably 80% me and 20% her. I take on the 80% that was the reason why our marriage failed.

I have to apologize in advance if a lot of what I say will apply mainly to the guys in the group. I was the husband after all. But, ladies, please listen or read between the lines and know what signs to look out for from your man before you get married. If there’s anything that’s not clear, it’s best to clarify early before it’s too late. Do not assume that in getting married, unresolved issues while you are engaged will magically fix themselves. It doesn’t work that way and chances are, if you don’t address a problem now, it will become bigger or probably even become unsolvable when you’re already married because there’s no more getting out.

Most of my actions when I was married did not quite reflect that of a married man. I flirted a lot, even in front of or when I was with my ex. And I even thought it was funny and that she shouldn’t mind at all because it was just “harmless” fun. Or so I thought. I also spent countless hours playing this online video game that basically made my ex a “gamer’s widow” in today’s technology jargon. I remember distinctly when my ex said a few years after we separated, “it would have been better if you had another woman because at least I can compete. But with a video game there was no way I could win.” That’s how bad my gaming addiction was.

She was very ambitious woman. Early in life she already knew what she wanted and had a clear vision of the future. And she took the necessary steps to get where she wanted to be. I, on the other hand, was this seemingly lost “go-with-the-flow” type of person who just couldn’t sync properly with my ex wife’s plans and ambitions for our future. I always told her that I didn’t know what I want and didn’t know when I will find out what my calling was. I kept her waiting and waiting and waiting until I ran out of time. She quietly divorced me in her heart a year before we separated hoping that when the time comes we will split-up it will not be that difficult for her.

 

I have summarized the top 6 things you guys need to CHECK before you exchange your vows:

1. You must have similar or common goals
It is difficult to imagine a future if your spouse has a totally different future from the one you’re currently imagining. That’s why it’s very important that before you exchange vows, both of you are already aware of how both of you see each other including your future children 5 years, 10 years, 15 years beyond down the road. If the husband is imagining a simple life in a small little hut in the province while the wife is imagining a huge loft in the city, that’s a very big problem. You need to be clear where both of you are going to be at and wherever or whatever that place is is something you’re going to both be in together, not apart, unless that’s part of your plan.

2. You must be ALL IN with no plans of BACKING OUT
Of all the things I’ll be talking about today this is probably going to be the most important, so listen well. If at this point and time that you’re about to get married either one or both of you are still thinking that it’s okay to be without each other, that’s a huge wake up call. Right now both of you need to be at the same place of, “My life is not going to be the same without you and it will really really suck living without or apart from you.” If there’s even the slightest feeling of “I’ll be okay without you” then call the wedding off.

3. You must communicate daily
The most successful marriages I personally know of, the couple talks to each other daily. This can range from small talk to deep talk and they make it a point to address any issue that concerns the marriage. They deal with problems head on and always come up with a resolution. There is tremendous positive power when couples spend quality time to talk about what transpired in the day, and most especially deal with issues that can cause bigger problems in the long run. Sit down and talk or spend a few minutes talking about stuff that went on in the day before going to sleep at night. (If my Bible knowledge is still intact, there’s a passage that says do not sleep while there is anger in your heart or something like that).

4. You must be 100% transparent with the truth
If you cannot be 100% transparent with the truth I can almost guarantee that your marriage will have a hard time lasting through the years. It is only in 100% transparency that your marriage can grow and flourish. If you hide stuff from your spouse then there will always be that part of you that will suffer. Remember that one of the main reasons why you’re getting married is because you can be sure that your spouse will love you 100% for who and what you are right now and what you can become. Hiding things, lying or being unable to tell the whole truth is like a heavy weight that’s going to drag both of you down and can ultimately cost the marriage. And how can you trust each other if you cannot be 100% transparent?

5. You may have varying views on certain things but your core values must be the same
There’s a vast difference of the common saying, “Opposites attract” vs “Opposite values.” You and your spouse can be worlds apart when it comes to certain things like what your favorite breakfast is or how you take coffee, or even movie choices. But in terms of core values you should be at least 99% the same. It will be a huge problem if you think abortion is freedom of choice when your spouse think it’s murder regardless of reason. Your core values are the anchors that will keep your marriage intact when tough times fall on your marriage, and trust me, there will be more tough times than not. If you are not aligned with the most fundamental of things then you might really want to either change for the sake of the marriage or give up the idea of marriage altogether. If you have opposite values you’re going to be in for a very rocky marriage that will most likely fail in the long run.

6. Your “WEs” should always have more weight than your “Is”
This is quite self explanatory but let me expound. The point of marriage is that the two of you become one. You’re one team, one force, one decision, one choice. “Together” should become your adapted last name and “Everything” your adapted middle name. “Everything Together.” This is not to say that there will be times one of you need to make the call or make the choice but in those instances there should be mutual agreement of the decision. If not, go back to the drawing board and find out what needs to be agreed on before the decision is made. Couples who make it a habit of deciding alone and not confiding with each other will get in trouble in the long run. Why get married in the first place if your I is not replaced with We?

When my ex and I split up after an 8 year marriage both of us were devastated, emotionally, psychologically and even socially. I knew her 5 years prior so we were together for a total of 13 years. Losing someone you spent that much time with is as painful as it gets. But breaking up was the better option for us than trying to stay together. Marital break ups is one of the most traumatic experiences any one can go through even for those like me that weren’t ALL IN in the marriage in the first place. You are left with a big hole in your heart that’s broken into a million pieces. Neither of you want this. That’s why you need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR about your motivations for getting married. They have to be as deep as life itself because you will be spending your lives together. Your reasons for getting married have to be “break and time proof” and can stand any difficulty.

Sometimes I still wish that I knew then what I knew now. Things would have been different. And in all likelihood, if I had woken up from my childish slumber, I’d probably be still married. But live and let live. I’ve been given another chance to give my life to someone else and I know this time around it will be for keeps. And I hope your marriage will be for keeps, too.

—–

Raffy Gutierrez (a.k.a. Pambasang Taga Mulat) is a radical and colorful political, religious and spiritual blogger who has around 40,000 followers on Facebook. He is recently channeling all his pent up energy from many frustrations about the Philippines to participating in talks and workshops where he gets to challenge the status quo. He hopes to make a positive difference rather than cause more unnecessary noise in social media. A zealot and a true Filipino patriot at heart, he works as a product and sales trainer in a Filipino Appliances Conglomerate where he gets to share a lot of his highly charged ideas to the sales people in his company.

WaW Before I Do: Choose What You Focus On

/in /by

When I was younger, my favorite subject was math. In there I learned than it’s difficult to add fractions when they have different denominators. Example, whats the sum when you add 1/3 and 1/2? What you need to do is to find the Least Common Denominator or the LCD! In this case, their LCD is 6.

The next step is to convert each one to have the same denominator. In this case, 1/3 becomes 2/6 and 1/2 becomes 3/6. They didn’t change their value but they changed denominators. 2/6 is still equivalent to 1/3 and 3/6 is still equivalent to 3/6. Do you follow? Good! Now we can add them…. 2/6 and 3/6 together becomes 5/6! Problem solved.

So how do we apply this marriage. After counseling people for many years, I realize a lot of people focus on differences. From our first counseling session, people would never talk about what their spouses did for them or the many things they loved about each other. They always focus on that one thing that makes them different or that irritated them. Often this causes, stress and recurring pain. Recurring? Why? Because it makes the person feel the way James Ingram did when he said “I did my best, but my best wasn’t good enough so here we are back where we were before.”

I believe everyone wants to be happy! I believe no one wants to get married with the intent of someday filing an annulment. I believe all couples are sincere in doing their best to try to make their marriage work. What happens? They focus on their difference! Instead, why not learn from the math principle above and love each other based on our commonalities.

God’s word says in Philippians 4:8 “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things”

Meaning you can focus on your difference but why if you can focus on that mind on something else? If you have a husband who loves leaving dirty clothes on the floor why not love how clean he makes the car? Or the day to day things he does for you? So how do we apply this?

1. Do things together that you both love. Movies? Sports? Nothing?!? Both of you must at least love eating or traveling (most people do). If your answer is still nothing, I think you have to remove that negative emotion inside you first and get to know your spouse a little bit more.

2. Learn to ignore the things that irritate you about Him and appreciate the things that you do. Do it verbally! Let him know you appreciate A, B and C so that he’ll keep on doing them.

3. If this seems difficult, take tests! Yes, its become a science. Now you can find free online tests on personalities, leadership styles, talents where you can discover whats common about you two.

4. Just book that ticket and travel! It might not be appropriate right now specially when you are physically challenged but look at it as an investment in your most important relationship. Remember, usually when marriages fail, not far behind comes chaos, worry, depression and all sorts of emotions. Remember to leave work behind so that you can maximize this adventure of re-discovering one another.

I pray this article helps you. I’ve been in a dry spell but this morning as I awoke, God downloaded to me. Perhaps this article is for someone out there who is tired and sick of their relationship. May this article bless you and give you wisdom and help you live out Proverbs 5:18 which says “May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth”

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

WaW Before I Do: Know REAL LOVE

/in , /by

I officiated a wedding last week and one of the things that I did so that each wedding would be more special, memorable and not become a routine is that I ask each couple during the pre-marital meetings to give me a Bible verse from where I would be basing my sermon from. Anywhere in the Bible and it doesn’t have to be related to marriage. So this couple chose the love verse which is found in 1 Cor 13:4-7 and it goes like this:

“Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked; does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

A beautiful verse indeed fitting for marriage, except that Paul was actually telling this to the Corinthians, not to teach them about married life, but his point was anything done without love counts to nothing and is meaningless. Even good deeds such as giving money to the poor or helping someone, if you don’t do it out of love, might as well not do it. However, since this was the verse that the couples chose, I gave them a chance to take it back which they refused. So I continued….

In this verse, Paul explains what love is because he knew that in the future, people will use the word “LOVE” without any idea what it means. They will think they do, but later on when realities of life sinks in, they will realize love isn’t there anymore. Why? Because it was their own definition of love and not the real meaning of love. So Paul explains what love should be… So what did he say love should be? The following are just examples and not exhaustive, there are other forms of test to see whether your love needs this characteristic.

  1. Patient. – How long are you willing to wait for your wife who is dressing up? Or probably your husband who is playing a video game and you’re already late for your appointment?
  2. Kind and is not Rude – How do you speak to one another when you are disappointed? Or when your spouse has mistakenly wronged you and you are hurt.
  3. Is not provoked and does not take into account wrong suffered – Are you willing not to bring up any past hurt and only discuss current ones? How many times are you willing to forgive your spouse until you say “you’ll never change!”
  4. Does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth – Even when everyone around you says otherwise. Are you willing never to tolerate ungodliness in your family? To be an example yourself to your spouse and future children? This includes refusing to do business that gets into gray areas or bribery or watching movies via downloads. What’s wrong with downloads? Ask the producers….
  5. Bears all things – What’s the worst thing your spouse can do?
  6. Believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things – Are you truly willing to say that I am marrying this person because I know that whatever comes our way I am willing to stick it out? He or she is God’s best and no one else…

When you’re in the romantic stage still high strung with the bite of the love bug, it’s so easy to say yes you can do all these things, but when you’re already in the middle of trials you realize it’s not as easy as you thought. Truth is, marriage is not easy. It is not as fun as you thought… Many people overlook the flaws of their partner during their dating stage thinking these can be cured by marriage. Wrong! Marriage actually makes things worse! Familiarity often leads to under estimation of value. Why? Because now you see each other every day and you’re quite sure that tomorrow when you wake up your spouse will just be beside you. That goes on until one day, he or she is gone and you realize that you should’ve loved more.

So what’s the solution? Know what real love is… and you can only do so by going to not only the maker, but who love is. No wonder St. John said in one of his letters to the church:

1 John 4:8 “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

In layman’s terms this is what it means: You can invent your own standard and definition of love, but that’s not real love. If you don’t know God, it will be hard to comprehend what love is. Cause it’s like Kobe beef, I can explain to you how it tastes, maybe even give it some rating and this might give you some sort of idea what I’m talking about but until you get to taste it you won’t know how good it is. Love is like that… until you get to try it firsthand from God, then you only have a slight idea on what it is. God didn’t just tell us what it is, He showed it! Love is putting a higher value on someone over yourself. He sent his Son to die for us!

There is a saying – you can’t give what you don’t have. Try and experience grace from God and you’ll be in a better position to give grace to your spouse. Receive the love of God and you’ll not only know the love mentioned in 1 Cor 13 but you’ll be able to give it out.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

 

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman

 

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Choose Godly Sponsors

/in , /by

My 15-year stint as a wedding photographer has taken me around the world shooting different religions, cultures, and nationalities and this I can say “It is only in the Philippines where they have Principal Sponsors.” Are they really important? And if so, why do we have them?

Principal Sponsors are supposedly people in the couple’s lives whom they respect and listen to. They can be people who are popular, powerful, prominent or rich but not necessarily. Unfortunately, because too many people have chosen principal sponsors based on these traits, it has watered down the importance of the role as principal sponsors. Sponsors have said “yes” to becoming sponsors just for the sake of “Delikadeza” never to be seen again after the wedding.

I personally have attended weddings where, to my shock, there have been as many as 15 sets of principal sponsors. So many that it has been branded as “Business” because sponsors are expected to give “Gifts”. Two of the most memorable gifts I was able to witness comes from 2 presidents of the Philippines. First was Ramos who just gave a book on righteous living and the 2nd one comes from GMA when she was still president. She gave a huge heavy wooden box with a nice emblem of “The President of the Philippines” on top of it. Wondering what’s inside, I stayed until it got opened. We were all shocked at what’s inside — Fresh air! There was nothing except the box. I admired these two for giving the gifts they gave… they had the capacity to give more but they did not give in to pressure. The gifts were simple and yet deep.

Now that I officiate weddings as a pastor, I do stress the importance of getting the right Principal Sponsors. At one point in every marriage ceremony I solemnize, I actually spend a few minutes talking to them and making sure they know what they’re getting into and commit to it before the Lord.

Some downplay the role of the principal sponsors, but with all my heart I believe their roles are far more important than to be eye candies during the wedding. Choose the right ones and you never know if someday they’ll be the ones to come to your rescue. Here are my personal criteria for choosing them.

Relationship – No matter how great your sponsors are, if there is no relationship (or chemistry). Get sponsors who you will often see or at least reachable in case you need them. Not someone who you only see every 5 years. Do not let your parents dictate who you should get simply because they are partners in business or close friends. If they are truly their dear friends, or partners, then explain to them that they are doing them a favor by sparing them the trouble. Don’t get people who are so high in their status that you can’t contact them directly or you’d have to schedule a slot with their secretary to get an appointment. Either they won’t have time for you or won’t even remember who you are.

I’ve personally said “no” to many offers to be one of the principal sponsors because I want to be a responsible sponsor who will be there when my inaanaks need me.

Righteous living – Unfortunately, Rich is not one of the R’s. There are many more things that are far more important than money. Righteousness does not mean being right in man’s eyes. The righteousness I am talking about is being right before God! This criteria is good for Christians and non-Christians alike. If you read the bible, you’d know what I am talking about. A righteous man is indeed a sponsor you’d love to have.

Respected – At least enough for you to listen to him or her. If you don’t respect your sponsor, you won’t even bother talking to the person in case your marriage encounters bumps. I personally will respect a person who I know has wisdom and loves me enough to tell me the truth even when it hurts.

So, if you’ve gotten married years back and it’s now too late to get married, what must you do? Here are 2 things you can do. Reconnect with them even if you’ve not heard from each other since the wedding, which was 10 years ago. Give them a call and ask if you could visit them in your homes. I’m sure they’d appreciate that. If you had sponsors who did not fit the criteria I gave, then find a couple’s group whose leader lives a life worthy to be followed. Perhaps, in case you guys decide to renew your vows someday, you’d have a better chance to pick good sponsors.

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

 

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

 

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Build a Home

/in , /by

When you were planning for your wedding you might have been advised to “invest in marriage not the wedding”. Once married or for those who already are, I’d like to give you the next part to that advice – “Build a home and not just a house”.

Unfortunately, many homes are run like a military concentration camp, with authoritative officers commanding everyone to break the spirits of those who don’t follow the rules. Rather than being a place where love grows, it becomes a place of fear and force. People don’t do because they want to but because they have to. It’s a joy killer! So how are homes made? Here are 3 things that sets a home apart to become a place that kids and spouses alike would look forward to going home to.

1. A place of Rest – A home is a place where you can rest. It’s not just a physical rest I am talking about but more so where your soul can recharge and catch up with whatever is going on with your life. The outside world is already stressful and draining as it is, last thing you want when you go home is more stress. If I may add, in order to have some real rest, it is important that one feels safe. Is your home a place of rest? Where there is peace and tranquility?

2. A place of Acceptance – Pretending is tiring and for most of us, we do that whether we are in school or in the office. People pleasing is probably widespread among all of us and when this happens, at the end of the day, it’s nice to go home to a place where you can just be who you are without any pretensions, without fear of being judged. Can you be who you really are in your home?

3. A place of Love – A Home is a place where you feel loved. Are you with people who you know care for you ? In one of the surveys we conducted among families, one said “home is not a place, but a collection of people.” Why? Because when people you love and love you leave home, the home stops being a home. As social beings, every one of us need to be a giver and receiver of love. Is your house a place of Love?

Point is, sometimes we get so uptight about our houses that it stops being feel like home. I know a couple who are so uptight about the house being in order that it’s so hard to move because something might break. I know a place where the husband is expected to help out in the house after a long day at work and I know a family where expectations are so high you can’t just be yourself anymore.

At the end of the day, everyone needs a home — a place for rest, acceptance and love. It doesn’t just happen, it is made. I can’t promise it’s going to be easy, but if you make your house a home — people would look forward to going home to it.

A little confession as I end my article, as a photographer, I used to hate being in the house. I found it boring. So every opportunity I get, I would welcome out of town shoots, specially those that required an overnight. I took pleasure in being away and now that things have changed, I realize it was because it wasn’t a home. But now that things have changed and I’m a home body, I love being just home with my family and I think twice about leaving it every time.

But there is a home that is waiting for us and someday we will all come home to it. I actually wrote a song about it and would like to share it to you:

 

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding host and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

 

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Stop the Bad Habits

/in , /by

We see so many couples who are married who seem to act like they’re still “in a relationship” or worse in “single” status. Unaware of their actions, these couples probably don’t realize they are doing something wrong because they’re just doing what they are used to do. However, unattended, these habits can actually harm or kill the marriage.

1.Fault finding – A marriage is a union of 2 imperfect people. Try and find fault and you will definitely fine one. Faults are common things, not a rare find that you can be proud of. When you realize how flawed you are, you become a person of grace and give allowance or become more forgiving of each other’s fault. Col 3:13 says “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others“

2. Not being on each others side – I think early on I knew that Monique has been my team mate in life. I am always sure that she is after my best. Unfortunately, in our years of counseling people, we’ve met dozens of couples who have forgotten this and think otherwise. When there are differences (and I am sure there are), things you don’t agree on and criticisms, it’s different when you know that the other people has your best interest in mind. Ecclesiastes 7:5 “Better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool.“

3. Separating everything – Remember that after marriage you are already one. No such things as His or Hers. Everything is conjugal. We’ve been asked countless of times. Monique and I share almost everything (except clothes). No such thing as my car and your car etc. Mark 10:8 “ The two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh”

4. Focusing on kids – When kids come out, many couples feel that their priority changes and that the way to being a good wife is to be a good mom. It’s the other way around actually, to be a good mom, you need to first be a good wife. Don’t expect your spouse to always understand why you can’t do hubby or wife duties simply because you’ve been busy taking care of the kids. They are different roles and you have different love tanks to fill. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”

5. Keeping score – It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been wronged. Since you’re together for life, it won’t be the last. Being so, why count? Keeping track puts stress on you and your relationship. I don’t see the point of doing so unless you have plans (consciously or unconsciously) to seek revenge someday. 1 Cor 13:5 “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs”

6. Not consulting your spouse – I have to admit, this is my weakness and I can probably attribute it to the fact as an only child I grew up alone. It takes time to remember that I now have a partner in life who needs to be consulted every time I make a decision. I know the wife is supposed to submit to the husband, but I believe she’ll respect you more if she feels her opinions are valued as well. Like in our case, Monique is more creative and she often has better ideas than I do.

7. Trying to change the other – If you try to change each other, you’ll get disappointed. You’ll probably discover after you successfully change the person that there is more to change. Be content with who you got. I’m not saying let him be the worse version of yourself… it’s good to give feedback and constructive criticisms in love but leave the what and when to change to your spouse. That’s not your role anymore. Forcing the issue will just lead to conflict and the other person already not feeling “himself or herself”. Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” 

8. Having an exit plan – If you remember your vows to one another a part of it says “Till death do us part” which simply means until God pulls the plug on your life, Man or whatever law man makes has no power to cancel the marriage made before him. However, I am surprised that some couples already think of how it will be when they separate even before they unite. I think if you enter marriage with all your reservations because you are afraid to get hurt, then you’re not being fair for God’s word says “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear”. If you love a person, you simply give it everything. For true love is unconditional. Romans 7:2 “By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him.”

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

 

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

 

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Extended Family – Are You In or Out?

/in , /by

As you tie the knot with your spouse, you will realize that you immediately are married into their family as well. Family relationships will play an integral role in your marriage. That is why it’s best that you know how to deal  and build good relations with your in-laws and avoid becoming an ”outlaw”.

  1. Make an effort to get to know your in-laws.

You were raised very differently from your spouse. Do not assume that your spouses’ family will have the same values, same culture and same habits as you do.  This can be a start of a lot of miscommunication and misunderstanding.  It is best to get to know them better.  Be eager to learn about their family history and heritage: Where did they grow up? How did the parents meet? What are their careers, their achievements, their dreams? Get to know their pet peeves and what makes them feel disrespected and unloved.  When we get to know more of them, we can understand them better.

  1. Let your spouse walk you through their side of the family.

If you are not sure how to relate with your new in-laws, let your spouse lead you.  Don’t get so uptight and stressed to get their approval.  Instead, let your spouse teach you how to respond to their parents. You can always ask your spouse to brief you regarding a certain occasion and situation.  You can always ask your spouse after for a “debriefing” by knowing what went right, what can improve and what should stop.  Remember, you and your spouse are on the same team.  Should you feel you have concerns about your spouse’s family, let your spouse know and let your better half deal with it with his/her family. Your spouse will know better what to say and how to say it without offending his/her family.

  1. Agree to set boundaries for your marriage.

In-laws, in their wanting to keep family time together, often forget that their child is already married. It is best that early on or before you get married, discuss your family values and culture and make your own family rules which will include your extended family. We know of couples fighting over which side of the family they get to spend holidays.  There can also be tension about helping out family members and how to raise your kids. Make sure that you always have open communication with your spouse so you can decide what are the important non-negotiables and what is something you two can agree to give in every once in a while. Make sure to also implement and stick to what was agreed. This way you keep your marriage safe and healthy.

  1. Learn to take everything with a grain of salt.

Sometimes, your in-laws can hit a sensitive nerve in your system. There will be moments where you will feel offended and hurt by their actions or statements. But even when they say something that may not sit well with you, always remember they are just stating their opinion. You can listen but you don’t have to react with anger and disappointment. Many marriages are hurting because they feel that their in-laws have made them feel unappreciated, misunderstood, unloved and judged.  Always remember that you can still decide what’s best for your family. Never burn bridges with your in-laws. Consider them part of a wonderful treasure of extra hands and feet when you need them.  If we have good relationships with them they can definitely help you keep your family together.

  1. Be courteous and kind.

If there is really a way to live harmoniously with your in-laws it is to always good to be polite and kind.  You may not like everything about your in-laws but you can honor them by your response. We can always choose to say positive things and bless them with our works of service for them.

We understand that there are extreme cases wherein some in-laws are just difficult to deal with and they can make your life miserable.  I have learned this bible verses that has helped me:

“Depart from evil, and do good, seek peace and pursue it.” – Psalm 34:14

“So then we pursue the things which make for peace the building up of one another.” – Romans 14:19

The issue may be your in-laws’ controlling or judgmental ways.  This means instead of fighting fire with fire, find ways to always do good and find a middle ground for peace not only for yourself but for them as well.  Keep seeking peace and when you find it, pursue it. How do I find that peace?

  • It means learning how to hold your tongue even if you are tempted to react to their statements. If you have nothing good to say, don’t say it.
  • It means distancing yourself by not pressing on each other’s personal space. If you’re living with your in-laws, aim to live on your own for harmony sake. No two kings or two queens can run a palace.
  • It means being flexible. Try to accommodate as much as you can their request as long as it does not violate any of your family rules and principles.
  • It means being understanding. Be as patient as possible with your in –laws, everyone is a work in progress including yourself.

Peace is a product of acts of kindness, love, joy and a relationship with Jesus Christ. If we can get everyone to be at peace with one another, we can find a strong marriage.

 

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

 

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

 

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Marriage Is Not The Day But The Everyday

/in , /by

[cs_content][cs_section parallax=”false” style=”margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px;”][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_text]I already knew the topic I wanted to write about, but as I pulled out my laptop to write at 7am here in Caramoan in Camarines Sur, God gave me some sentences to start with:

a. God instituted marriage.
b. God designed it like the Christian walk.
c. It’s not a one time event.
d. It’s the start of a journey.

During weddings, we congratulate the couple. I personally think though that although it’s ok to congratulate them, it’s more important to to wish them well. Why? Because marriage is not an end but the beginning of a journey. It’s not a finish line but a starting line. When the Philippine team journeyed to conquer mount Everest, people didn’t congratulate them – they wished them well. Congratulations were made after they’ve conquered Mount Everest and a huge celebration followed.

While I agree that congratulating them for finally making and jumping into the decision that “This is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life!”, let’s be honest and ask ourselves, “How difficult can that one be?” One only needs to be decisive. The right question should be, “Are we certain that they’ve made the right decision that’s why we are congratulating them?” Let me answer that by getting to the points God told me.

God instituted marriage. It is originally designed for two people who love each other so much that they commit to be married – a ceremony designed by God to bind two souls together as one for life. So if this sounds like you, then my answer is a big YES! It is right. In Ephesians (a book in the bible), It commanded the husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church”. And how much is that? We can’t exactly measure but it was definitely enough for Him to die for it!

A lot of people say that when married couples fail, it was the “wrong marriage” or that they have irreconcilable differences. I don’t think so. Aside from marriages at gun point or where one had the wrong motives (which for me isn’t how God designed marriage), I think marriages start off at the same point. It is what you do and how you think after that changes it.

God designed Marriage to be like the Christian walk. Christians are not spared from trials and problems. As a Christian, my spiritual fire is not always at 100%. Do I give up? No! I read the bible more, talk to pastors (or priests) for counseling, I hang out with people who believe in the same faith and who I trust will give me sound advice.

It’s the same way with marriage. It won’t always be happy. There are times when you’d encounter problems like bill payment deadlines and problems with thekids, and there will be moments when the problem is amongst yourselves — character differences, bad moods, PMS etc. Do you give up? No! You get to know each other more, seek counseling and attend marriage enrichment seminars. Having shot over a thousand weddings as a photographer and also having solemnized dozens as a pastor, I can conclude that majority of couples seek God’s blessing for marriage on the wedding day but do not seek Him after. It’s like putting up a business, praying to God to bless it, leaving for another country, coming back after 10 years and expecting to be a millionaire. Hello?!?! Marriage takes work!

Marriage is not a one time event. For many, a wedding is about flaunting. Showing your achievements with stylish venue set-ups, serving the best food, an AVP showing off pictures of places where you’ve been to as a couple and hiring the best suppliers. Nothing wrong with that. I used to be one of the most expensive photographers during my time, but when you invest solely on the wedding itself, it will be a disaster.

I believe that as much as you plan your wedding carefully, we are to plan our marriage with much more detail. As husband & wife and as a family, Monique and I make sure we attend one or two spiritually enhancing events per year. What’s the connection with marriage? A lot! Please listen carefully: When our spirit is in its right place, we think right and when we think right, we act right. On the other hand, so many people focus immediately on action, the “to do”, not knowing that you can’t change action without the heart. Change is temporary. No wonder people who say “I will not do it again” end up doing it over and over and often even end up much worse than before.

Aside from that, Monique and I travel as a couple and we travel as a family too. These cost money but they are great investments. It doesn’t have to be far or out of the country but the point is to set aside time for each other. We are creating a culture.

Lastly, Marriage is but the start of the journey. Yes, since you were born you’ve been on a journey. But this time, God gave you someone to journey with. So I wonder, why do others live like they’re planning their lives individually? They attend bible studies alone, travel alone, watch movies alone, take on new hobbies alone. While I believe men need their alone time or cave time, there is something wrong when you find yourself the same as before. It defeats the purpose of why you got married in the first place. After you get married, life is a journey that 2 people take on together.

I mentioned earlier about the story of the Philippine Everest Team and their successful climb and how a huge celebration followed. If you think your wedding reception was the celebration, guess again. There is a much more bigger celebration happening in heaven for those who faithfully cross the finish line and my prayer is that all of us will be there celebrating together.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_block_grid type=”two-up”][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 1″]About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman. [/cs_block_grid_item][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 2″]john-monique-ong[/cs_block_grid_item][/cs_block_grid][/cs_column][/cs_row][/cs_section][/cs_content]

WaW Before I Do: To Vow or Not To Vow

/in , /by

[cs_content][cs_section parallax=”false” style=”margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px;”][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_text]I’m saddened that some churches actually do not allow vows. Think about it… What’s the point of not allowing it? Does it make the wedding too long? Are we doubting the couple’s capability to know exactly what to say? Does it make the wedding too dramatic? Whatever the reason is for not allowing, I think the reason for why we should outweighs by far why we shouldn’t. For me, vows are sacred therefore is the most important part of the ceremony. I always tell the photographers that I train – there are 2 parts of the wedding where you can anticipate the most tears – the bride’s entrance and the personal vows. I don’t think I need to expound on why.

It was a touching moment when a friend of mine actually asked me to help him organize a surprise renewal of vows in Boracay. One of the things that he said for his vows was “I have to admit, when we first got married, I was merely repeating what the priest said but did not mean any of it. Now I want to give you my real vow.” Everyone was in tears specially the fact that all those around them knew this couple was in the brink of separating few months prior.

Now here is why I want to push you to do your personal vows:

  • “I ….” – Vows are real! It is about you and what’s inside your heart. Your vows are your commitment. As the couple gets into this new and lifelong phase, they are usually troubled by so much doubt or the “what if’s”. A vow can remove these fears and replace them with hope that these promises brings.
  • “I will…” – Vows are what marriage is all about! Marriage is not just a ceremony but it is union of 2 separate people. This union should be covered by an agreement about what changes this new life brings. A stated vow tells everyone they know what they’re getting into — specially with regard to their boundaries and behaviors. The words “I will” are strong active words that tell your partner “You can count on me to do this”.
  • “I vow not to” – Vows sets boundaries. As you enter this new life, what do you agree to change? Is it to let go of some of the things, habits and people in your life? Is it a commitment never to leave no matter what? Is it not to sleep when the other person is still angry? Vows set parameters and boundaries of what can’t be done.
  • Last and the least, Vows make SDE’s better – Though this is not the main reason why we should do our vows, it is a prize that comes with doing your responsibility. Personal vows make your videos special because then it becomes personal. Someday when your video is played back, you wouldn’t own up to a vow that you were required to repeat would you? But a personal vow would resonate down your soul and make you want to own up to it.

So what if your church does not allow you to make a vow? Here are some of my suggestions:

a. Say it in your video – either as a surprise to the other party (so shoot individually) or go to a remote place and have your videographer video it (shoot as a couple).
b. Do it at your wedding reception – If your program is too long, then its better to cut out the less important traditionals like games and AVPs. I think this is more important. You don’t need a priest or pastor for God to hear and bless your vows.
c. Write it to out each other / put it in your website – Vows are like goals. If you don’t set it in stone, tendency is it moves and changes.

So that’s my personal opinion on vows. It’s sad that most couples wait until the last minute to do it. And as I end my vows, may I have a request for those people who do. I pray that your vows will always be real and genuine. Not memorized… Not commercialized…. It doesn’t have to be memorized word for word but my final advice to you is to simply just say what you mean and mean what you say, remembering that the vow you make is not just to your spouse but also to God. I hope this article blessed you.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_block_grid type=”two-up”][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 1″]About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.[/cs_block_grid_item][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 2″]john-monique-ong[/cs_block_grid_item][/cs_block_grid][/cs_column][/cs_row][/cs_section][/cs_content]

(WaW Before I Do) Coming Clean: Starting the Marriage with a Clean Slate

/in , /by

As part of the church requirement in getting married, we attended a pre-marital seminar with our mentor and discipler Edric Mendoza. In one of the sessions, Edric told us about the importance of entering into the marriage with a clean slate and asked if there was anything that we had to admit to each other.

We both paused, Monique looks at me as if saying “Do you have anything to say or divulge?”. I find myself confessing “I have kept this a secret but I have a child”. She closes her eyes and puts a little smile on her face and says “with whom” and I replied “it was with the one from my second affair. He is 5 years old now.”

Our discipler acted really cool as if it was no big deal and mediated “Thanks Jong. How do we move on from this?” and I said “Well, I’ve been supporting the kid but I’ve never seen him. I dread the day when the boy grows up and looks for me and asks how come I’ve never been there for him.” Monique calmly replies, “if he is really your child, then it is the right thing to support him and be a father to him. But before we take full claim of this responsibility I have one request, lets have a DNA test first to see if it’s really yours.” Right then and there, I felt like being removed of a stake that was lodged in my heart. I was set free. I told the mother of the child the good news and we did the DNA test. The results came out and it turns out that it was never mine.

Had the results been “a perfect match” meaning, that the kid is mine, it would not make much difference. My confession of my “baggage” has already set me free. The DNA test simply freed me of the obligations I thought I had. Since then, I’ve always told the couples that we get to speak to how important it is to enter the marriage with a clean slate. If you start off the marriage hiding something — you will in the future make your spouse feel like “I never knew the person I married.” Why? Because you pretended to be somebody else.

So I reflected on, what if my discipler never gave us a chance to confess? I would be still hiding something in the closet for the rest of my life. I thought hard about “What was it that gave me green light to finally let it out?”. I will share here 3 things that makes it easier for your fiancee or spouse to want to start fresh.

1. Give it some time – For a confessing partner – they need enough courage to speak up. So give them space to do that. Even if you have all the evidence, allow them to figure out what they really want to say. When they open up, make sure you are really listening without judging first. Let them speak what is in their heart. Do not rush them or even threaten them. You need to know that during this time there are so many “What if’s” going on in the confessing person’s mind. Like “what if you can’t take it, what if you call or the wedding or break-up, what if the counselor or mediator is gone who will protect me?”. All those questions the one confessing needs to process and overcome.

2. Ensure a Safe Haven – As the person confesses, make sure, that you can handle the truth. We know of so many couples that not only go hysterical and ballistic but they take it against the person and even want revenge. It is important for the confessing partner to know that he can be honest and open. They need to know that they can trust you with his deepest darkest secret. They need a place where they can come clean. That person desires to be set free and if possible start anew. Imagine a thief surrendering himself to the police when there was no case even filed against him. The policeman would probably wonder and not know what to do.

I know it’s hard and I didn’t say it won’t hurt – but give a lot of credit to the honesty because in reality it could have been kept in secret forever. Besides “What you don’t know won’t hurt right?” or maybe it is better if you found out through other people when it’s already too late to back off. Definitely Not!

3. Choose to Forgive – This part is where the rubber meets the road. As we counsel couples we ask them “What is your ultimate end goal? Do you want this relationship to work?” If the answer is yes, then you must choose to forgive. As the aggrieved party there is a tendency to get stuck by asking the questions that have no right answer. Why did it have to happen? What could or should have I done? Remember this is now the past. It is something you cannot revisit and redo. Should you react negatively in this situation, you can be assured that this is the last time he or she will ever confess to you.

I recommend instead to discuss on how to move forward and not get back on that dark path again. Restoration can only take place if we choose to give the person the chance to change by extending kindness that they do not deserve. This is not letting them free from the consequences of their actions instead allowing them to be a better person by taking full responsibility for their mistakes and allowing them to fix it.

Stuff that needs to be confessed are not just immorality. It can be your financial position, your work, your debts… It can be anything. I believe almost everyone has them. By the way, in case you didn’t know — this is called GRACE. And if I can just give my last tip here, it is “It’s easier to give grace to others when you can admit to yourself that you are a receiver of grace yourself.” During those moments when you find it hard to forgive — remember, You are a sinner yourself but God forgave you.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/. About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

]john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do – Speak the Language: The Five Love Languages

/in , /by

Gary Chapman has given us a very effective tool for communication through his book called “The 5 Love Languages”. In a research he made as to how people express and feel “love”, he discovered that generally there are actually 5 different ways of showing affection. No wonder sometimes despite our efforts to make someone feel loved, we fall short. In many occasions, we do not actually speak the same love language.

There are actually 5 languages based on Chapmans’s research (we’ve jokingly added a few more in our group):

a. Touch – You feel most loved when you are being touched. You love hugging, holding hands and maybe even more (the skin to skin). When your spouse or fiancee speaks this language, learn to be PDA and avoid excuses like “I’m tired”. If making your spouse is important for you, then it’s not important whether you love touching or not, loving is giving and so you better be there when she needs one.

b. Words of affirmation – Bible says the tongue is small yet powerful. It can build people up (encourage) or break people down (cause depression)… but for people whose love language is words, the effects are doubled or even tripled. Monique often tells the couples that we counsel “lower expectation and increase appreciation”. When your spouse is a words person, be careful what you say and try to find something to can praise them for everyday knowing every negative commend you give probably negates 4. It will go a long way.

c. Gifts – For me, this is the easiest. No you don’t have to be rich as gifts people rarely want expensive things (take note I said rarely). What they actually want is not the gift but a material evidence that they’ve been thought of.

d. Quality Time – Notice I didn’t say just time, I said quality time. Quality time doesn’t mean watching TV together. It means being together with your attention on one another such as chatting on a dinner date. You don’t have to be talking, such as when you go scuba diving, but 100% of your attention is on your partner. Time is something all of us have an equal # of whether you are rich or poor, and when time is given it cannot be gotten back.

e. Service – People whose love language is service feel loved when served. They want things to be done for them — a massage, food prepared, their clothes cleaned and ironed. Even if they can hire people to do them, it’s different when a loved one does it. For them this is the ultimate expression of love.

Imagine that in each of us, there is a virtual love tank. When people love us in our love language, these tanks get filled up easily. When people try to fill us up through other means, it’s possible to get filled but it will be really, really slow. So often times, problem arises when a couple speak different love languages. One can say “How can you ask if I love you when I tell you every night before we sleep that I do?”. Probably this is not a words person. The one saying I love you might be sincere but He or She is speaking in a way that the partner does not understand.

Here are some things to remember: Some people have two love language (called bi-lingual) and people’s language can change over time.

Want to know what your love language is? We have a free test in our blog: www.anounceoffaith.com.

 

Read more of John & Monique’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

WaW Before I Do: Be Quick to Listen (Communication Part 2)

/in , /by

Communication is very critical in Marriages or any relationship for that matter. I actually heard a leader say, “There is no such thing as Generation gap, only communication gap!”. Which come to think of it is actually true. Generation gaps would be omitted if only people would learn to speak up and listen.

I recently started studying Counseling in Asian Theological Institute because now, counselors (yes, all kinds even marriage counselors) are required to take a board exam and get a license before counseling others. One of the subjects that we took (so far) focused on developing the skill of listening. This subject made me realize how a poor listener I was. As our final paper, we were required to listen to a counselee for 10 minutes, record the whole conversation and transcribe it (not easy!) while only practicing listening skills. The only times we can open our mouth was to share our empathic understanding (if I can even remember what that means), reflect their feelings, track what they said, paraphrase what they said or summarize. Three times my professor had to ask me to redo it because I was not listening enough! Unbelievable but very revealing.

I believe many people suffer the same weakness as I do. We would rather be heard than hear people out. In one of our classes, it was mentioned that many of us when we listen we already have our reply regardless of what the person said. We are just waiting for a break to tell our side or while the other person is talking, rather than attentively listen and process what he/she said, we are actually already composing our rebuttal. Now wonder people can’t understand each other.

Please listen to me for a while… God’s word favors listeners rather than the talkers. Check out these verses:

Proverbs 1:5 – Let the wise hear and increase in learning and the one who understands obtain guidance.

James 1:19 – Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain a heart of wisdom.

These are just 3 samples, there are many more. Point is, there is blessing in listening. It is not weakness for “he who listens understands”. I wish I listened more… it is one of my current prayers today. In Marriage, we ought to listen more to our spouses specially that we know we are one and that they love us and wants the best for us.

Last month, we wrote about communication. We talked about how to be clear in what we are trying to communicate. However, regardless of how clear that is, it is not a guarantee that it may be received well. Here are three watch out points that we need to make sure is out of the way so we can be atuned to what the other party is really saying:

a. Distraction – Today we can be busy or distracted about anything… Sometimes we are tired (probably half of us already want to sleep and yet the issue still looms), we are stressed with work or deadlines, we are preoccupied or doing something else (cooking, cleaning, playing or answering SMS or email in your phone) or your mind is simple somewhere else or with another person (like a 3rd party?).

b. Distortion – Many of us listen just to say that we listened, but your mind is made up. You’ve already judged or drawn up your conclusion either intellectually or emotionally. Probably because you think you have all the facts that you need to hear or you’re just so full of emotion.

c. Dis-interest (zone out) – You are not into listening. Perhaps this isn’t a topic that appeals to you. If this was trying to solve something then maybe the goal isn’t your priority.

Good listening is a very most important skills in today’s world. Families must listen to one another to overcome hurdles in life. Corporate employees can use it to solve complex problems quickly and stay on top. Those studying can use this skill to understand complex issues in their fields. Everyone has much to gain by improving one’s listening skill.

In most communication talks I’ve come across, most of them is about how to better speak or write (the “giving side” of communication) rather than on making them better listeners or readers (the “receiving side”).

In reality, communication is more on listening than on speaking. A great listener will understand a poor speaker but regardless of how a good speaker is, a listener who isn’t paying attention have very little to gain. The listener arguably bears more responsibility in making effective communication.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding host and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: How Do I Better Connect

/in , /by

Have you ever experienced talking to someone on your mobile phone and then going inside an elevator? Right before you enter, you know that you need to give the other party a heads up that there is a great chance that you will be disconnected. Have you ever wondered — What is it with elevators? Is it the steel casing? Is it the solid solid shafts that houses the elevator or is it where elevators are usually located that makes the signal hard to reach cellphones? Whatever it is, technology has not advanced itself enough to secure an established connection in elevators. Surprisingly, many marriages are like cellphones inside elevators. After so many years, the husband & wife are still disconnected.

I recently told someone that there is a huge difference between hearing and listening. The former being involuntary and the latter requiring some sort of focus and attention. You might be right in front of me, and you may even be looking at my direction but it doesn’t mean you are listening.

Before we go on further — on a scale of 1 to 10, 10 being always clearly heard and understood — how do you rate the connection between you and your fiancee/husband?

For this article and the next, we’d like to talk about communication. This month talks about being the giver the message, and the next month we’ll talk about being the receiver of the message.

Do you find yourself often misquoted or understood? Remember, there are 4 elements of speech that you take note of. You can get better results if you take note of them at all times:

A. Words

Proverbs 18:21 says “Death & Life are in the power of the tongue” which means, as the speaker, do not be in a rush to just say whatever you want. Specially in sensitive moments, choose your words well. In the movie “300” King Leonidas warns the emissary of Xerxes to choose his next words lightly because it could be his last. The emissary didn’t heed the warning and resulted in his death. Similarly, words are easy to give but they have the power to encourage people or put them down. Whoever said “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” Was actually lying and should have said “but your words can break my heart and spirit”.

B. Tone

Sometimes it is not what you say, but how you say it. In one story in the bible, Jesus asked His apostles which was better — a man who says no and then does it or a person who said yes and then didn’t do it. Naturally, the apostles replied “The one who refused but in the end did it anyway”. Such is true for a person who may have a proper sentence constructed and yet adds a negative tone into it.

Warning: In these times where many of our communication are not verbal, such as text or emails, Tone is very hard to predict. That’s why I recommend for sensitive issues that you call instead of simply texting.

C. Body Language

You may have the right words and a nice tone but if you include some roll eyes with it, it will be received negatively. You can say “Yes, dear” and say it in a very submissive way, but if you’re not moving from that TV set or that couch, then expect a negative response.

D. Timing

Last but not the least, timing is key… you can be ok with all the first 3 elements, but anything said at the wrong time is bound to fail. My wife, Monique, is pretty good at this, she knows when it’s not a good time to talk to me. When words would just get lost and she knows I have a tendency of really putting a sound proof wall around me. Also, when the person you are speaking to is too emotional or high strung, sometimes it’s good to wait it out before doing your explanation.

Keeping these in mind does not guarantee you will be always understood, there might be more elements as pointed out such as the receptivity of the person you are speaking to but keeping these in mind will dramatically improve connection.

Read more of John & Monique’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Keep Your Marriage on Fire

/in , /by

Have you ever thought about Fire? Fire is good for cooking. It keeps you warm when it’s cold. Fire allows cars to move & planes to fly through combustion. However, Fire also burn properties down that results to huge losses and when you touch it without proper protection, it causes pain and even death. So what is it that determines whether fire is good or bad?

During the Before I do Jumpstart event where we shared the stage with fabulous suppliers like Ian Cruz (Video), Darlene Salazar (coordinator), Alex Ruelo (Photographer), Madge Lejano (Makeup) and our very own Benz Co-Rana, we talked about Marriage being on Fire. For those who missed it, this article is for you.

The fact is, Marriage is really On-Fire ! I shot a celebrity whose father was an actor as well and he said on TV “I don’t understand why my daughter has to spend so much money getting married when they will just separate a few years later. They should have just eloped!” Imagine that statement!!! Today I am proud to say that these couple are still going strong. There is a deep problem today especially if you came from a broken family yourself. No one teaches you how to be a good wife or husband and much more how to become good parents.

Philippine Statistics say via the Office of Solicitor General & National Statistics Office Website:

  • The # of marriage annulment has steadily risen from 5,250 in 2002 to 10,528 in 2012.
  • Marriages have decreased by 20.1% from 2005 to 2015.
  • In 2015, 42.7% of marriages are civil while Catholic Weddings are only 36.2%.

Clearly, Marriage is under attack and it is losing this fight. Future couples must remain vigilant and put people’s trust back in the sacred ceremony. And why are we surprised? If the family is the basic cell of the society, then it is a great strategy for the devil to attack it. When the family fails, the church falls as well. So what should we do now?

Fortunately, there is another meaning to “Marriage On-fire”, in games for example, being on-fire means you’re on a winning roll. So in marriage terms, being on-fire means always being passionate about the relationship.

For you to easily remember, we’ve used F.I.R.E. as an acronym for things we can do to keep our marriages on-fire:

1. Faithful – No one in the right mind dreams to have a broken marriage or says “Someday I will be faithful!”. If you want your marriage to be on Fire, you have to be faithful not only to your spouse but most especially to God and to your God-given role. Why?

a. God – Because there will be times when you won’t see eye to eye. Knowing and believing in God would allow you guys during these times to go back into His word and shed light into whatever it is that is dividing you. When you are faithful to God, you know that divorce or annulment is never an option and when loving your partner becomes hard, hanging on because you love God becomes another level of protection for both of you.

b. To your role – A lot of problems arise from one of the couple because on or both are not doing their role. It starts off the crazy cycle of “Since I don’t feel love, I will disrespect him” to “Since she disrespects me, I will withdraw some of my love”. Do you get it?

2. Intentional – People think Marriage is like a business wherein you can just invest, leave it and expect it to grow. Wrong! A great marriage takes a great investment and here are the areas you need to be intentional about:

a. Growing as a couple – Join a couples group who you can trust and who you feel comfortable with. Be under a mentor who you know loves you. Unfortunately, I know couples rarely meet with their God parents.

b. Protecting your marriage – Do not let anything harmful to the marriage get near the marriage. Not a friendly one on one meeting with drinks with the person of the opposite sex or a chat with an ex that your spouse doesn’t know about. Anything that can harm it, see the marriage something worth protecting and get away from it.

3. Romance – Romance is something that naturally fades away specially as the marriage ages. I’ve shot a lot of renewal of vows and I noticed for perhaps 90% of them, the romance has died and it’s not because they’re way too old. I am praying that even as Monique & I celebrate our 50th anniversary, that we will be as sweet or even sweeter to each other. Now how do we keep the romance?

a. Date every week – Busy schedules can get in the way. We say maybe next week but before you know it, it’s been months or even years since the last one. Put that in your calendar.

b. Sex is a duty – The Bible says your body is not your own. So when your spouse asks for “IT” remember that he or she has as much right to it as you do and vice versa.

c. Do things together. Whether it’s a hobby or sports such as biking, diving, climbing or traveling make sure that you do these recreational activities together. It helps in your dynamics as a couple.

d. Romance needs to be worked at. You need to put effort – so book that candlelight dinner, drive out of town if you must, write her letters no matter how cheesy it gets, just build that romance up.

4. Engaged – When you got engaged what does it mean? Why do you call it engaged? Do things together.

a. Empower – Monique & I have empowered each other. If there is anything that she notices that is wrong with me, she has the permission to say it. When it comes to our kids, they know that daddy is not a boss. Both mom & dad are authorities that should be respected. With that, I never put down my wife to anyone. I do not tolerate any sign of disrespect.

b. Enrich – Usually, when you ask high risk couples to attend marriage retreats they are the ones that question “Why? Do we need it?” and I see these retreats and seminars as refill points designed to fill our buckets at different times during the year. Marriage is not the end… its not a culmination of your relationship. It’s the start of a journey and just like a car when you buy it, your Uber, taxi or jeep expenses might stop but now we have to welcome parking fees, gasoline & maintenance. Your marriage needs investments too and you pay it in multi-currencies: time, service, words and gifts.

Keep your Marriages on-FIRE. Marriages can only be successful if it serves it true purpose which is honor God as you stay married.

 

Read more of John & Monique’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: Do your duty!

/in , /by

We want to get intimate with you in this article by discussing a very beautiful act and yet a highly discreet topic: SEX.

You see, during the wedding, the guests brings their gift for the newlyweds as their way of helping them start off their married life. God gives more than a gift. He gives the newlyweds the blessing of sex. Sex here is not the taboo one but a beautiful way to become one with your spouse. It is the best form of communication and intimacy. I know many (not all) couples already pre-opened this gift and tried it before the wedding. This gift may not excite them as much. But for many who waited – this is precious because sex is a true form of worship to God under the blessings of marriage. On their wedding day God gives them their blessing to go forth and multiply.

We’ve heard about it and probably watched it in movies… husband asking the wife for sex and she gives excuses like “I’m tired” or “I have a headache” or vice versa. Whenever Monique and I do counseling, one of the first questions we ask is “How is sex life?”. This usually catches them off-guard but it’s an important question because more than their issues, it gives us a hint on the real health of their marriage.

Let’s see what the Bible says:

“The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.” ??1 Corinthians? ?7:3-5? ?NIV??

So what can we learn from this?

1. Sex is not only a gift but a duty. I know it’s best when it’s given freely but unfortunately, in our experience as counselors many couples don’t get enough sex. One of the first real warning sign of marriage failure is that sex becomes less frequent.

2. After marriage your body is not your own – Here is the bad news: it is now conjugal property! Your body is now shared with your spouse. But don’t worry – Your spouse’s is yours as well and last time I checked, 50% + 50% is still 100%. So serve each other by providing time for sex. Don’t wait to be asked, initiate if you must.

3. Sex is pleasurable. Keep enjoying it by exploring ways to give each other satisfaction and joy. So do not limit yourselves into a monotonous acts. Be adventurous.

4. Putting it off is not permanent – God knows there will be times when you really can’t do it – you’ve got deadlines, you are sick or whatever that is (not in the mood is not an excuse)… when you do that, it has to mutually agreed upon and the rescheduled. Example: “I’m sorry hon, I’ve got deadlines I need to finish tonight. Can we do it tomorrow?”

5. Sex is safeguarding – Whenever I go on my long trips its a must that before I leave we have to “do it”, it’s sort of like pa-baon. God’s word says, you have to have sex so you will stay away from temptation. Imagine doing grocery while hungry, your bill probably goes up right because as you went through each lane, everything was just so good. Try going there on a full stomach, you’d probably ignore the things you don’t really need. Sex is like that, when you are well fed at home, there is a likely chance you will get tempted outside.

Sex is beautiful… My encouragement for couples is have a healthy married life by not ignoring your sex life.

 

Read more of John & Monique’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_block_grid type=”two-up”][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 1″]About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman. john-monique-ong

WaW Before I Do: The Importance of Wise Counsel

/in , /by

[cs_content][cs_section parallax=”false” style=”margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px;”][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_text]There was a guy working in our office who discovered that his wife was cheating on him.  He called me for some advice and after hearing him out I told him to give his wife a chance but to make sure she is repentant and that the affair was over. He started crying and said “I’ve asked advice from so many friends and all of them said the same thing — leave her! but after hearing you, yours made the most sense.”  So, he followed my advice and got back together.

Proverbs 11:14 says “Where there is no guidance the people fall, but in abundance of counselors there is victory.”

Not only in Marriage but anything that we do, it is always good to have good advisors around you. You can never be too good or too experienced to not need one.  And a trusted adviser, gives us a third person perspective about the situation and shows us our blind spots.

Here is a sad fact: There are no schools (at least in the Philippines) that offer courses on how to be a better husband, wife or parent.  So, who or where do you go to for advice? With the # of cases of broken families, sometimes we can only look into what we’ve seen in our flawed homes for guidance.

As a wedding supplier, I see that many couples would rather spend time meeting with their wedding supplier and planning the wedding, than to learn about improving their marriage. Let me wake you up to this fact – “What good will your great memories be, should your marriage fail?”

I remember 2 couples who siblings whose wedding I both shot, eventually one of them goes up to me to ask “Would it be possible for us to have 2 albums?” when asked why he explains “because my brother already broke up with the wife and since they won’t need the album anymore we were thinking of just using it.” that was less than a year since their wedding.

So where do you find these wise counsels?

  1. Books, blogs, websites & Podcasts – If you are the type who is either busy or shy to open up to a real person or group, this is the best place to check out and they are all over the net.  Now the challenge is how can you tell if you can really trust it and that it’s opinion is based on unbiased truth.
  2. Your God parents (principal sponsors) – the fact that newlyweds usually need a lot a lot of guidance probably is the reason why we have a tradition of having god parents (principal sponsors) that are not practiced anywhere else in the world.  Unfortunately, though, with a lot of weddings, it has been a showcase of who you know rather than who can you count on to help you just in case.  They get celebrities, politicians and other prominent or popular people who I have nothing against unless they are nowhere to be found anymore after the wedding.  Keep in mind that when choosing your god parents, that they should be:
    1. People who are wiser and more experienced than you.
    2. Cares for you as individuals and as a couple (will not take sides) and
    3. will make themselves available on a regular basis (or at least in case you need them).
  3. Support group – a bunch of couples who are on the same stage or phase as you who commit to meet on a regular basis.  This is usually called by different names: dgroup (short for discipleship group), cell group, small group or household but actually means the same thing. This is led by a leader called discipler or mentor or coach who facilitates the discussion and picks a topic that is discussed. There are two types of discussion – a life on life wherein people share what they’re going through whether good or bad and people voice out their encouragements or praises or lessons wherein the leader teaches a topic that ends with a discussion. Should you
  4. Retreats / Marriage encounters / Conferences – Monique & I make it a point to be able to attend one every year. Having it acts as a recharge point for our marriage and don’t be turned off in case they talk about the same thing year after year.  Yes, the topics may be the same but we are people of reminder.  We need to be reminded regularly and usually, the topics speak to us differently depending on what season we are in our life.
  5. Pre-Marital Education – Did you know by taking your pre-cana or attending a pre-marital workshop you are lowering the chance of divorce (or annulment) from 50 to 19%?  If one of you do not want or not agree to go through one, I sincerely believe this to be a big warning sign. How serious are you in making this work? For sure, every marriage will have its own issues and problems — so why not get ready for it? Don’t fool yourself that you can do it on your own.

If you are just planning your wedding, talk about these 5 things now and agree that you will not wait for any problem before seeking counsel.  Just like in physical sickness, the best cure is prevention.

Being products of failed marriages ourselves, Monique and I have committed to equipping couples through the Before & After I do workshop (beforeidoworkshop.com) which we do at least twice a year, by making ourselves available for counsel & advice in person and online, through the Christ Commission Fellowship (CCF) Family ministry and our weekly couples DGroup.  Coincidentally, we are going to do our next Before I Do on Feb 26, 2017 in Robinson’s Magnolia where we will talk about “Marriage on Fire”.

 

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_block_grid type=”two-up”][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 1″]About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.[/cs_block_grid_item][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 2″]john-monique-ong[/cs_block_grid_item][/cs_block_grid][/cs_column][/cs_row][/cs_section][/cs_content]