You May Be Married to a Filipina if . . .

(This joke was found on the Internet and has circulated and been forwarded many times over via email. Foreigners planning to marry Filipinos should note that these are exaggerations, but they will somehow get the idea. It was written by an American man who loves his Filipina wife despite what follows.)

You may be married to a Filipina if . . .

your refrigerator is always full but you cannot find any food that you recognize.
instead of a dowry, you got the whole bill for the wedding and honeymoon.
most of the decorations in your house are made of wicker.
you are expected to be able to read her mind just by watching her eyebrows move up and down and which way her lips are pointed.
all her relatives think your name is Joe.
the instant you are married you have 3000 new close relatives that you can’t tell apart.
your house isn’t really on fire, but there is a very charred fish right on top of the stove burner.
all the desserts are sticky and all the snacks are salty.
she eats her fruit with giant salt crystals and her fried chicken with ketchup.
even the ketchup tastes weird . . . very weird.
you throw a party and everyone is fighting to chop the leathery skin off a dead pig.
all your kids have 4-5 middle names.*
your in-laws take 10 years to acknowledge your existence and to call you by something other than “that white guy.”
you try to call her up on the phone and someone tells you “for a while” and you want to know “for a while, what??”
you are trying to go to sleep and she keeps asking for the comFORT’r, and you ain’t got a clue what she’s talking about . . .
your first Christmas present is some funny looking baggy see-thru shirt made out of leftover lace doilies.
your phone bills are all international and average 3 hours per call.
she sweeps with something that witches usually fly around on.
her idea of classy, expensive champagne is Asti Spumante
the rice cooker is on 24 hours a day and uses up 50% of your electric and food budget.
on your first trip to the Philippines, you have 18 giant boxes that weigh 1000 pounds each and your “carry on” luggage requires a small forklift truck.
the same luggage is over filled with things that cost an average of 15 cents each like old magazines and M&Ms — the worst part is when you get off the plane, the same stuff you’ve been hauling around half way around the world is available in every store in the airport for half the price!
all her pajamas look like they were worn by the Dalai Lama until they got too faded.
the first time she’s pregnant you have to go out at 4:00 in the morning looking for some weird type of greasy sausages, green mangoes and bagoong.
You buy a new $500 freezer so she can store 200 pounds of SPAM and CORNED BEEF that was on sale.
everything in your house was bought on sale, even if you don’t need it .. as long as it was a “bargain” is all that matters.
she gets really excited by sucking the fat out of pig knees.
your daughter gets her ears pierced when she’s 2 minutes old but your sons are not circumcised until they turn 21.
all your postage bills instantly double.
you hire a yaya because your wife thinks you clean mirrors with soap and a sponge and the yaya seems cheaper than a divorce.
the only “white meat” she likes is You, and that’s if you’re lucky . . .
her favorite sauce is called patis, Americans call it turpentine.
she actually thinks that bowling and golf and billiards are real sports and are more important than baseball and football.
you were married 5 years before she explained to you that “ARAY!” doesn’t mean “ooh, baby!”
she prefers bistek to beef steak.
her idea of new upholstery is rinsing the bagoong stains out of the slip covers.
she can eat and talk at the same time, in fact that’s her especialty!
her favorite meal is leftovers, her favorite fancy dessert is Jello mold and for something REALLY romantic, she’ll offer you a halo-halo with 2 straws.
you still don’t know what’s the difference between manong and manok.
she and the kids are always saying “Daddy made utot” and you still don’t know what it means but they think it’s pretty funny.
other than eyebrow raising and lip puckering, her next most expressive form of communication is grunts and pssst’s
she goes to the movies just for the AC.
her homeland has more Megamalls than islands.
before every holiday and visit, her sisters fax you a 10 page “bilin” list which says “suggestion only.”
your kitchen table has a merry-go-round in the middle.
all the vegetables she buys at the Filipino store look like they were grown at Chernobyl.
your in-law’s first visit lasted 5 years.
her friends are named Chinky, Girlie, Boy and Bimbo and you are not allowed to smirk.
her home economics course only taught shopping, eating and siesta; cooking, cleaning and sewing were not electives.
her idea of edifying reading is gossip magazines.
all your place settings has the silverware backwards and there are no knives.
she washes her hair with a bucket and her car with a broom.
she uses an umbrella even if its not raining.
her favorite book (she has 3 copies) is “1001 New Recipes for Pig Parts You Were Gonna Throw Out”
you are the only family in a 200 mile radius with 2 VCRs, 3 televisions.
she’s done her best job planning a surprise party for you if she manages not to tell you about it until a week or two before.
she “cleans” her closet by throwing all the crap into your closet.
AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST: you are pretty proud of yourself because you think you snagged up for yourself some unique, rare, tropical goddess type until you go to the Philippines and can’t tell her apart from anyone else in the whole country (unless she’s taller than 5’1″, then it’s a bit easier).
BONUS ENCORE: it was your wife’s idea for you to write this cause she thought it was funny . . . for a while though until the list got TOO LONG!!!

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Proceed to “The Real Deal,” the second part of “You May Be Married to a Filipina If . . .”