I officiated a wedding last week and one of the things that I did so that each wedding would be more special, memorable and not become a routine is that I ask each couple during the pre-marital meetings to give me a Bible verse from where I would be basing my sermon from. Anywhere in the Bible and it doesn’t have to be related to marriage. So this couple chose the love verse which is found in 1 Cor 13:4-7 and it goes like this:

“Love is patient, love is kind, love is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked; does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails.”

A beautiful verse indeed fitting for marriage, except that Paul was actually telling this to the Corinthians, not to teach them about married life, but his point was anything done without love counts to nothing and is meaningless. Even good deeds such as giving money to the poor or helping someone, if you don’t do it out of love, might as well not do it. However, since this was the verse that the couples chose, I gave them a chance to take it back which they refused. So I continued….

In this verse, Paul explains what love is because he knew that in the future, people will use the word “LOVE” without any idea what it means. They will think they do, but later on when realities of life sinks in, they will realize love isn’t there anymore. Why? Because it was their own definition of love and not the real meaning of love. So Paul explains what love should be… So what did he say love should be? The following are just examples and not exhaustive, there are other forms of test to see whether your love needs this characteristic.

1. Patient. – How long are you willing to wait for your wife who is dressing up? Or probably your husband who is playing a video game and you’re already late for your appointment?
2. Kind and is not Rude – How do you speak to one another when you are disappointed? Or when your spouse has mistakenly wronged you and you are hurt.
3. Is not provoked and does not take into account wrong suffered – Are you willing not to bring up any past hurt and only discuss current ones? How many times are you willing to forgive your spouse until you say “you’ll never change!”
4. Does not rejoice in unrighteousness but rejoices in the truth – Even when everyone around you says otherwise. Are you willing never to tolerate ungodliness in your family? To be an example yourself to your spouse and future children? This includes refusing to do business that gets into gray areas or bribery or watching movies via downloads. What’s wrong with downloads? Ask the producers….
5. Bears all things – What’s the worst thing your spouse can do?
6. Believes all things, hopes all things and endures all things – Are you truly willing to say that I am marrying this person because I know that whatever comes our way I am willing to stick it out? He or she is God’s best and no one else…

When you’re in the romantic stage still high strung with the bite of the love bug, it’s so easy to say yes you can do all these things, but when you’re already in the middle of trials you realize it’s not as easy as you thought. Truth is, marriage is not easy. It is not as fun as you thought… Many people overlook the flaws of their partner during their dating stage thinking these can be cured by marriage. Wrong! Marriage actually makes things worse! Familiarity often leads to under estimation of value. Why? Because now you see each other every day and you’re quite sure that tomorrow when you wake up your spouse will just be beside you. That goes on until one day, he or she is gone and you realize that you should’ve loved more.

So what’s the solution? Know what real love is… and you can only do so by going to not only the maker, but who love is. No wonder St. John said in one of his letters to the church:

1 John 4:8 “Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.”

In layman’s terms this is what it means: You can invent your own standard and definition of love, but that’s not real love. If you don’t know God, it will be hard to comprehend what love is. Cause it’s like Kobe beef, I can explain to you how it tastes, maybe even give it some rating and this might give you some sort of idea what I’m talking about but until you get to taste it you won’t know how good it is. Love is like that… until you get to try it firsthand from God, then you only have a slight idea on what it is. God didn’t just tell us what it is, He showed it! Love is putting a higher value on someone over yourself. He sent his Son to die for us!

There is a saying – you can’t give what you don’t have. Try and experience grace from God and you’ll be in a better position to give grace to your spouse. Receive the love of God and you’ll not only know the love mentioned in 1 Cor 13 but you’ll be able to give it out.

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman

We see so many couples who are married who seem to act like they’re still “in a relationship” or worse in “single” status. Unaware of their actions, these couples probably don’t realize they are doing something wrong because they’re just doing what they are used to do. However, unattended, these habits can actually harm or kill the marriage.

1.Fault finding – A marriage is a union of 2 imperfect people. Try and find fault and you will definitely fine one. Faults are common things, not a rare find that you can be proud of. When you realize how flawed you are, you become a person of grace and give allowance or become more forgiving of each other’s fault. Col 3:13 says “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others“

2. Not being on each others side – I think early on I knew that Monique has been my team mate in life. I am always sure that she is after my best. Unfortunately, in our years of counseling people, we’ve met dozens of couples who have forgotten this and think otherwise. When there are differences (and I am sure there are), things you don’t agree on and criticisms, it’s different when you know that the other people has your best interest in mind. Ecclesiastes 7:5 “Better to be criticized by a wise person than to be praised by a fool.“

3. Separating everything – Remember that after marriage you are already one. No such things as His or Hers. Everything is conjugal. We’ve been asked countless of times. Monique and I share almost everything (except clothes). No such thing as my car and your car etc. Mark 10:8 “ The two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one flesh”

4. Focusing on kids – When kids come out, many couples feel that their priority changes and that the way to being a good wife is to be a good mom. It’s the other way around actually, to be a good mom, you need to first be a good wife. Don’t expect your spouse to always understand why you can’t do hubby or wife duties simply because you’ve been busy taking care of the kids. They are different roles and you have different love tanks to fill. Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her”

5. Keeping score – It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been wronged. Since you’re together for life, it won’t be the last. Being so, why count? Keeping track puts stress on you and your relationship. I don’t see the point of doing so unless you have plans (consciously or unconsciously) to seek revenge someday. 1 Cor 13:5 “It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs”

6. Not consulting your spouse – I have to admit, this is my weakness and I can probably attribute it to the fact as an only child I grew up alone. It takes time to remember that I now have a partner in life who needs to be consulted every time I make a decision. I know the wife is supposed to submit to the husband, but I believe she’ll respect you more if she feels her opinions are valued as well. Like in our case, Monique is more creative and she often has better ideas than I do.

7. Trying to change the other – If you try to change each other, you’ll get disappointed. You’ll probably discover after you successfully change the person that there is more to change. Be content with who you got. I’m not saying let him be the worse version of yourself… it’s good to give feedback and constructive criticisms in love but leave the what and when to change to your spouse. That’s not your role anymore. Forcing the issue will just lead to conflict and the other person already not feeling “himself or herself”. Ephesians 4:15 “Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ.” 

8. Having an exit plan – If you remember your vows to one another a part of it says “Till death do us part” which simply means until God pulls the plug on your life, Man or whatever law man makes has no power to cancel the marriage made before him. However, I am surprised that some couples already think of how it will be when they separate even before they unite. I think if you enter marriage with all your reservations because you are afraid to get hurt, then you’re not being fair for God’s word says “There is no fear in love but perfect love casts out fear”. If you love a person, you simply give it everything. For true love is unconditional. Romans 7:2 “By law a married woman is bound to her husband as long as he is alive, but if her husband dies, she is released from the law that binds her to him.”

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

[cs_content][cs_section parallax=”false” style=”margin: 0px;padding: 45px 0px;”][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_text]I already knew the topic I wanted to write about, but as I pulled out my laptop to write at 7am here in Caramoan in Camarines Sur, God gave me some sentences to start with:

a. God instituted marriage.
b. God designed it like the Christian walk.
c. It’s not a one time event.
d. It’s the start of a journey.

During weddings, we congratulate the couple. I personally think though that although it’s ok to congratulate them, it’s more important to to wish them well. Why? Because marriage is not an end but the beginning of a journey. It’s not a finish line but a starting line. When the Philippine team journeyed to conquer mount Everest, people didn’t congratulate them – they wished them well. Congratulations were made after they’ve conquered Mount Everest and a huge celebration followed.

While I agree that congratulating them for finally making and jumping into the decision that “This is the one that I want to be with for the rest of my life!”, let’s be honest and ask ourselves, “How difficult can that one be?” One only needs to be decisive. The right question should be, “Are we certain that they’ve made the right decision that’s why we are congratulating them?” Let me answer that by getting to the points God told me.

God instituted marriage. It is originally designed for two people who love each other so much that they commit to be married – a ceremony designed by God to bind two souls together as one for life. So if this sounds like you, then my answer is a big YES! It is right. In Ephesians (a book in the bible), It commanded the husbands to love their wives “as Christ loved the church”. And how much is that? We can’t exactly measure but it was definitely enough for Him to die for it!

A lot of people say that when married couples fail, it was the “wrong marriage” or that they have irreconcilable differences. I don’t think so. Aside from marriages at gun point or where one had the wrong motives (which for me isn’t how God designed marriage), I think marriages start off at the same point. It is what you do and how you think after that changes it.

God designed Marriage to be like the Christian walk. Christians are not spared from trials and problems. As a Christian, my spiritual fire is not always at 100%. Do I give up? No! I read the bible more, talk to pastors (or priests) for counseling, I hang out with people who believe in the same faith and who I trust will give me sound advice.

It’s the same way with marriage. It won’t always be happy. There are times when you’d encounter problems like bill payment deadlines and problems with thekids, and there will be moments when the problem is amongst yourselves — character differences, bad moods, PMS etc. Do you give up? No! You get to know each other more, seek counseling and attend marriage enrichment seminars. Having shot over a thousand weddings as a photographer and also having solemnized dozens as a pastor, I can conclude that majority of couples seek God’s blessing for marriage on the wedding day but do not seek Him after. It’s like putting up a business, praying to God to bless it, leaving for another country, coming back after 10 years and expecting to be a millionaire. Hello?!?! Marriage takes work!

Marriage is not a one time event. For many, a wedding is about flaunting. Showing your achievements with stylish venue set-ups, serving the best food, an AVP showing off pictures of places where you’ve been to as a couple and hiring the best suppliers. Nothing wrong with that. I used to be one of the most expensive photographers during my time, but when you invest solely on the wedding itself, it will be a disaster.

I believe that as much as you plan your wedding carefully, we are to plan our marriage with much more detail. As husband & wife and as a family, Monique and I make sure we attend one or two spiritually enhancing events per year. What’s the connection with marriage? A lot! Please listen carefully: When our spirit is in its right place, we think right and when we think right, we act right. On the other hand, so many people focus immediately on action, the “to do”, not knowing that you can’t change action without the heart. Change is temporary. No wonder people who say “I will not do it again” end up doing it over and over and often even end up much worse than before.

Aside from that, Monique and I travel as a couple and we travel as a family too. These cost money but they are great investments. It doesn’t have to be far or out of the country but the point is to set aside time for each other. We are creating a culture.

Lastly, Marriage is but the start of the journey. Yes, since you were born you’ve been on a journey. But this time, God gave you someone to journey with. So I wonder, why do others live like they’re planning their lives individually? They attend bible studies alone, travel alone, watch movies alone, take on new hobbies alone. While I believe men need their alone time or cave time, there is something wrong when you find yourself the same as before. It defeats the purpose of why you got married in the first place. After you get married, life is a journey that 2 people take on together.

I mentioned earlier about the story of the Philippine Everest Team and their successful climb and how a huge celebration followed. If you think your wedding reception was the celebration, guess again. There is a much more bigger celebration happening in heaven for those who faithfully cross the finish line and my prayer is that all of us will be there celebrating together.

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.[/cs_text][/cs_column][/cs_row][cs_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” style=”margin: 0px auto;padding: 0px;”][cs_column fade=”false” fade_animation=”in” fade_animation_offset=”45px” fade_duration=”750″ type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px;”][cs_block_grid type=”two-up”][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 1″]About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman. [/cs_block_grid_item][cs_block_grid_item title=”Block Grid Item 2″][/cs_block_grid_item][/cs_block_grid][/cs_column][/cs_row][/cs_section][/cs_content]

Communication is very critical in Marriages or any relationship for that matter. I actually heard a leader say, “There is no such thing as Generation gap, only communication gap!”. Which come to think of it is actually true. Generation gaps would be omitted if only people would learn to speak up and listen.

I recently started studying Counseling in Asian Theological Institute because now, counselors (yes, all kinds even marriage counselors) are required to take a board exam and get a license before counseling others. One of the subjects that we took (so far) focused on developing the skill of listening. This subject made me realize how a poor listener I was. As our final paper, we were required to listen to a counselee for 10 minutes, record the whole conversation and transcribe it (not easy!) while only practicing listening skills. The only times we can open our mouth was to share our empathic understanding (if I can even remember what that means), reflect their feelings, track what they said, paraphrase what they said or summarize. Three times my professor had to ask me to redo it because I was not listening enough! Unbelievable but very revealing.

I believe many people suffer the same weakness as I do. We would rather be heard than hear people out. In one of our classes, it was mentioned that many of us when we listen we already have our reply regardless of what the person said. We are just waiting for a break to tell our side or while the other person is talking, rather than attentively listen and process what he/she said, we are actually already composing our rebuttal. Now wonder people can’t understand each other.

Please listen to me for a while… God’s word favors listeners rather than the talkers. Check out these verses:

Proverbs 1:5 – Let the wise hear and increase in learning and the one who understands obtain guidance.

James 1:19 – Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.

Proverbs 19:20 – Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain a heart of wisdom.

These are just 3 samples, there are many more. Point is, there is blessing in listening. It is not weakness for “he who listens understands”. I wish I listened more… it is one of my current prayers today. In Marriage, we ought to listen more to our spouses specially that we know we are one and that they love us and wants the best for us.

Last month, we wrote about communication. We talked about how to be clear in what we are trying to communicate. However, regardless of how clear that is, it is not a guarantee that it may be received well. Here are three watch out points that we need to make sure is out of the way so we can be atuned to what the other party is really saying:

a. Distraction – Today we can be busy or distracted about anything… Sometimes we are tired (probably half of us already want to sleep and yet the issue still looms), we are stressed with work or deadlines, we are preoccupied or doing something else (cooking, cleaning, playing or answering SMS or email in your phone) or your mind is simple somewhere else or with another person (like a 3rd party?).

b. Distortion – Many of us listen just to say that we listened, but your mind is made up. You’ve already judged or drawn up your conclusion either intellectually or emotionally. Probably because you think you have all the facts that you need to hear or you’re just so full of emotion.

c. Dis-interest (zone out) – You are not into listening. Perhaps this isn’t a topic that appeals to you. If this was trying to solve something then maybe the goal isn’t your priority.

Good listening is a very most important skills in today’s world. Families must listen to one another to overcome hurdles in life. Corporate employees can use it to solve complex problems quickly and stay on top. Those studying can use this skill to understand complex issues in their fields. Everyone has much to gain by improving one’s listening skill.

In most communication talks I’ve come across, most of them is about how to better speak or write (the “giving side” of communication) rather than on making them better listeners or readers (the “receiving side”).

In reality, communication is more on listening than on speaking. A great listener will understand a poor speaker but regardless of how a good speaker is, a listener who isn’t paying attention have very little to gain. The listener arguably bears more responsibility in making effective communication.

Read more of John and Monique Ong’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding host and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.

Have you ever thought about Fire? Fire is good for cooking. It keeps you warm when it’s cold. Fire allows cars to move & planes to fly through combustion. However, Fire also burn properties down that results to huge losses and when you touch it without proper protection, it causes pain and even death. So what is it that determines whether fire is good or bad?

During the Before I do Jumpstart event where we shared the stage with fabulous suppliers like Ian Cruz (Video), Darlene Salazar (coordinator), Alex Ruelo (Photographer), Madge Lejano (Makeup) and our very own Benz Co-Rana, we talked about Marriage being on Fire. For those who missed it, this article is for you.

The fact is, Marriage is really On-Fire ! I shot a celebrity whose father was an actor as well and he said on TV “I don’t understand why my daughter has to spend so much money getting married when they will just separate a few years later. They should have just eloped!” Imagine that statement!!! Today I am proud to say that these couple are still going strong. There is a deep problem today especially if you came from a broken family yourself. No one teaches you how to be a good wife or husband and much more how to become good parents.

Philippine Statistics say via the Office of Solicitor General & National Statistics Office Website:

• The # of marriage annulment has steadily risen from 5,250 in 2002 to 10,528 in 2012.
• Marriages have decreased by 20.1% from 2005 to 2015.
• In 2015, 42.7% of marriages are civil while Catholic Weddings are only 36.2%.

Clearly, Marriage is under attack and it is losing this fight. Future couples must remain vigilant and put people’s trust back in the sacred ceremony. And why are we surprised? If the family is the basic cell of the society, then it is a great strategy for the devil to attack it. When the family fails, the church falls as well. So what should we do now?

Fortunately, there is another meaning to “Marriage On-fire”, in games for example, being on-fire means you’re on a winning roll. So in marriage terms, being on-fire means always being passionate about the relationship.

For you to easily remember, we’ve used F.I.R.E. as an acronym for things we can do to keep our marriages on-fire:

1. Faithful – No one in the right mind dreams to have a broken marriage or says “Someday I will be faithful!”. If you want your marriage to be on Fire, you have to be faithful not only to your spouse but most especially to God and to your God-given role. Why?

a. God – Because there will be times when you won’t see eye to eye. Knowing and believing in God would allow you guys during these times to go back into His word and shed light into whatever it is that is dividing you. When you are faithful to God, you know that divorce or annulment is never an option and when loving your partner becomes hard, hanging on because you love God becomes another level of protection for both of you.

b. To your role – A lot of problems arise from one of the couple because on or both are not doing their role. It starts off the crazy cycle of “Since I don’t feel love, I will disrespect him” to “Since she disrespects me, I will withdraw some of my love”. Do you get it?

2. Intentional – People think Marriage is like a business wherein you can just invest, leave it and expect it to grow. Wrong! A great marriage takes a great investment and here are the areas you need to be intentional about:

a. Growing as a couple – Join a couples group who you can trust and who you feel comfortable with. Be under a mentor who you know loves you. Unfortunately, I know couples rarely meet with their God parents.

b. Protecting your marriage – Do not let anything harmful to the marriage get near the marriage. Not a friendly one on one meeting with drinks with the person of the opposite sex or a chat with an ex that your spouse doesn’t know about. Anything that can harm it, see the marriage something worth protecting and get away from it.

3. Romance – Romance is something that naturally fades away specially as the marriage ages. I’ve shot a lot of renewal of vows and I noticed for perhaps 90% of them, the romance has died and it’s not because they’re way too old. I am praying that even as Monique & I celebrate our 50th anniversary, that we will be as sweet or even sweeter to each other. Now how do we keep the romance?

a. Date every week – Busy schedules can get in the way. We say maybe next week but before you know it, it’s been months or even years since the last one. Put that in your calendar.

b. Sex is a duty – The Bible says your body is not your own. So when your spouse asks for “IT” remember that he or she has as much right to it as you do and vice versa.

c. Do things together. Whether it’s a hobby or sports such as biking, diving, climbing or traveling make sure that you do these recreational activities together. It helps in your dynamics as a couple.

d. Romance needs to be worked at. You need to put effort – so book that candlelight dinner, drive out of town if you must, write her letters no matter how cheesy it gets, just build that romance up.

4. Engaged – When you got engaged what does it mean? Why do you call it engaged? Do things together.

a. Empower – Monique & I have empowered each other. If there is anything that she notices that is wrong with me, she has the permission to say it. When it comes to our kids, they know that daddy is not a boss. Both mom & dad are authorities that should be respected. With that, I never put down my wife to anyone. I do not tolerate any sign of disrespect.

b. Enrich – Usually, when you ask high risk couples to attend marriage retreats they are the ones that question “Why? Do we need it?” and I see these retreats and seminars as refill points designed to fill our buckets at different times during the year. Marriage is not the end… its not a culmination of your relationship. It’s the start of a journey and just like a car when you buy it, your Uber, taxi or jeep expenses might stop but now we have to welcome parking fees, gasoline & maintenance. Your marriage needs investments too and you pay it in multi-currencies: time, service, words and gifts.

Keep your Marriages on-FIRE. Marriages can only be successful if it serves it true purpose which is honor God as you stay married.

Read more of John & Monique’s WaW Before I Do articles at weddingsatwork.com/category/waw-before-i-do/.

About John & Monique Ong:

John is a pastor at Revelation City Church, Scuba Diving instructor and owns Imagine Nation photo + Video. He is a graduate of business management at DLSU and took up Masteral in Marketing in the same school and is currently in the Pastoral counseling course at Asian Theological Seminary. Monique is a creative wife / help mate to John, a wedding hosts and heads Post Ad ventures (an Events Management company), a youth pastor in Revelation and writes in their blog called “an ounce of faith”. She took Tourism in UP Diliman.