Before I Do: Finding Mr. and Mrs. Right
We all go through mess-ups in life. I always believe that when you lose, you don’t really lose if you’ve learned. I recently came across a high school classmate whose had a failed marriage in the past just like me and through our drive I asked him to write it down. I hope it blesses you as it has blessed me.
I am not here to discourage you from getting married. No, not at all. Although the title of my talk today sounds as negative as it could possibly get for a marriage counselling workshop, it is furthest from the truth. My objective in being with you guys who are about to “tie the knot” is to give you direct hand experiences of things that happened to me while I was married that led to its ultimate downfall, and in learning these mistakes I made, can help you avoid them.
Almost 10 years now after my ex-wife and I filed for divorce, I realized what a major son-of-a-bitch husband I was. Many of my closest friends will argue that my ex is partially to blame for our failed marriage but if I were to be fair in terms of the percentage in which I was the problem or cause of the problem, it’s probably 80% me and 20% her. I take on the 80% that was the reason why our marriage failed.
I have to apologize in advance if a lot of what I say will apply mainly to the guys in the group. I was the husband after all. But, ladies, please listen or read between the lines and know what signs to look out for from your man before you get married. If there’s anything that’s not clear, it’s best to clarify early before it’s too late. Do not assume that in getting married, unresolved issues while you are engaged will magically fix themselves. It doesn’t work that way and chances are, if you don’t address a problem now, it will become bigger or probably even become unsolvable when you’re already married because there’s no more getting out.
Most of my actions when I was married did not quite reflect that of a married man. I flirted a lot, even in front of or when I was with my ex. And I even thought it was funny and that she shouldn’t mind at all because it was just “harmless” fun. Or so I thought. I also spent countless hours playing this online video game that basically made my ex a “gamer’s widow” in today’s technology jargon. I remember distinctly when my ex said a few years after we separated, “it would have been better if you had another woman because at least I can compete. But with a video game there was no way I could win.” That’s how bad my gaming addiction was.
She was very ambitious woman. Early in life she already knew what she wanted and had a clear vision of the future. And she took the necessary steps to get where she wanted to be. I, on the other hand, was this seemingly lost “go-with-the-flow” type of person who just couldn’t sync properly with my ex wife’s plans and ambitions for our future. I always told her that I didn’t know what I want and didn’t know when I will find out what my calling was. I kept her waiting and waiting and waiting until I ran out of time. She quietly divorced me in her heart a year before we separated hoping that when the time comes we will split-up it will not be that difficult for her.
I have summarized the top 6 things you guys need to CHECK before you exchange your vows:
1. You must have similar or common goals
It is difficult to imagine a future if your spouse has a totally different future from the one you’re currently imagining. That’s why it’s very important that before you exchange vows, both of you are already aware of how both of you see each other including your future children 5 years, 10 years, 15 years beyond down the road. If the husband is imagining a simple life in a small little hut in the province while the wife is imagining a huge loft in the city, that’s a very big problem. You need to be clear where both of you are going to be at and wherever or whatever that place is is something you’re going to both be in together, not apart, unless that’s part of your plan.
2. You must be ALL IN with no plans of BACKING OUT
Of all the things I’ll be talking about today this is probably going to be the most important, so listen well. If at this point and time that you’re about to get married either one or both of you are still thinking that it’s okay to be without each other, that’s a huge wake up call. Right now both of you need to be at the same place of, “My life is not going to be the same without you and it will really really suck living without or apart from you.” If there’s even the slightest feeling of “I’ll be okay without you” then call the wedding off.
3. You must communicate daily
The most successful marriages I personally know of, the couple talks to each other daily. This can range from small talk to deep talk and they make it a point to address any issue that concerns the marriage. They deal with problems head on and always come up with a resolution. There is tremendous positive power when couples spend quality time to talk about what transpired in the day, and most especially deal with issues that can cause bigger problems in the long run. Sit down and talk or spend a few minutes talking about stuff that went on in the day before going to sleep at night. (If my Bible knowledge is still intact, there’s a passage that says do not sleep while there is anger in your heart or something like that).
4. You must be 100% transparent with the truth
If you cannot be 100% transparent with the truth I can almost guarantee that your marriage will have a hard time lasting through the years. It is only in 100% transparency that your marriage can grow and flourish. If you hide stuff from your spouse then there will always be that part of you that will suffer. Remember that one of the main reasons why you’re getting married is because you can be sure that your spouse will love you 100% for who and what you are right now and what you can become. Hiding things, lying or being unable to tell the whole truth is like a heavy weight that’s going to drag both of you down and can ultimately cost the marriage. And how can you trust each other if you cannot be 100% transparent?
5. You may have varying views on certain things but your core values must be the same
There’s a vast difference of the common saying, “Opposites attract” vs “Opposite values.” You and your spouse can be worlds apart when it comes to certain things like what your favorite breakfast is or how you take coffee, or even movie choices. But in terms of core values you should be at least 99% the same. It will be a huge problem if you think abortion is freedom of choice when your spouse think it’s murder regardless of reason. Your core values are the anchors that will keep your marriage intact when tough times fall on your marriage, and trust me, there will be more tough times than not. If you are not aligned with the most fundamental of things then you might really want to either change for the sake of the marriage or give up the idea of marriage altogether. If you have opposite values you’re going to be in for a very rocky marriage that will most likely fail in the long run.
6. Your “WEs” should always have more weight than your “Is”
This is quite self explanatory but let me expound. The point of marriage is that the two of you become one. You’re one team, one force, one decision, one choice. “Together” should become your adapted last name and “Everything” your adapted middle name. “Everything Together.” This is not to say that there will be times one of you need to make the call or make the choice but in those instances there should be mutual agreement of the decision. If not, go back to the drawing board and find out what needs to be agreed on before the decision is made. Couples who make it a habit of deciding alone and not confiding with each other will get in trouble in the long run. Why get married in the first place if your I is not replaced with We?
When my ex and I split up after an 8 year marriage both of us were devastated, emotionally, psychologically and even socially. I knew her 5 years prior so we were together for a total of 13 years. Losing someone you spent that much time with is as painful as it gets. But breaking up was the better option for us than trying to stay together. Marital break ups is one of the most traumatic experiences any one can go through even for those like me that weren’t ALL IN in the marriage in the first place. You are left with a big hole in your heart that’s broken into a million pieces. Neither of you want this. That’s why you need to be CRYSTAL CLEAR about your motivations for getting married. They have to be as deep as life itself because you will be spending your lives together. Your reasons for getting married have to be “break and time proof” and can stand any difficulty.
Sometimes I still wish that I knew then what I knew now. Things would have been different. And in all likelihood, if I had woken up from my childish slumber, I’d probably be still married. But live and let live. I’ve been given another chance to give my life to someone else and I know this time around it will be for keeps. And I hope your marriage will be for keeps, too.
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Raffy Gutierrez (a.k.a. Pambasang Taga Mulat) is a radical and colorful political, religious and spiritual blogger who has around 40,000 followers on Facebook. He is recently channeling all his pent up energy from many frustrations about the Philippines to participating in talks and workshops where he gets to challenge the status quo. He hopes to make a positive difference rather than cause more unnecessary noise in social media. A zealot and a true Filipino patriot at heart, he works as a product and sales trainer in a Filipino Appliances Conglomerate where he gets to share a lot of his highly charged ideas to the sales people in his company.