WaW Before I do: Lower Expectation, Higher the Appreciation

[x_section style=”margin: 0px 0px 0px 0px; padding: 45px 0px 45px 0px; “][x_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” bg_color=”” style=”margin: 0px auto 0px auto; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_column bg_color=”” type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_text]“I really wanted her to be a homemaker.”

“She does a great job at her office but she could improve more at home.”

“How come he just sits around the TV after work? I understand cave time, but I also want to spend time with him. Every since we got married, I don’t even remember going on dates anymore.”

“I try my best to provide for our home, it wouldn’t be hard enough to ask for a decent meal?”

“Can’t he not see my hands are full? Why can’t he be more sensitive to help around.”

These are just some of the common sentiments married couples go through. There are many tips that we can give for each statement but if I were to draw the source why they feel the way they do, it clearly points out to unspoken expectations.

When couples marry, they bring with them their background and culture. Whatever was modeled to them or whatever experience they had to deal with growing up will manifest itself in the marriage. Every person has their own set of family values, habits and even hurts and hang-ups. That is why if this is not addressed by communicating about it, you will begin to have some form of discontentment within your marriage.

John and I struggled in this too. I remember how I wanted him to open my door, buy me flowers every now and then, and do all those romantic stuff. I wanted him to ballroom dance with me. When we would travel I would love to visit the art galleries and museums. But John was not like that. Of course, I never said anything to him about this – so this resentment grew every time an opportunity came knocking in. So how do resolve this? Here are tips to close the gaps of communication.

1. Talk about your Expectations
In general, most couples are at a loss and without a clue when it comes to the expectations of their spouse. So do the most obvious thing. Come out in the open and start talking about it. It’s fun to play 20 questions with your partner and find out what their wants are and how they would respond to certain situation.

2. Study your spouse
If you love your spouse, you would study them. Study their daily habits and routine. Study what irks or stress them. Find out what makes them happy, sad or angry and what is important to them. When you study them, you will discover a treasure of unspoken wants in them.

Study them in different seasons in their life including in times of trials, sorrow and success.

3. Work from your strength
Are your expectations realistic?

You expect your wife to cook like your mom but the truth is – she has never learned how to cook because she is a career woman. So by putting them in their weakness, it sparks stress and pressure in your relationship.

You expect your husband to be the handyman in the house but he was never exposed to these kinds of work. He can drive the car but does not even know how to fix basic car mishaps. Does that make them less of a man?

I always say find each others key strength and let each one operate base on that. Whoever is better in handling finances, let them handle it. Whoever is better in dealing with administrative family stuff – let that person work on that. When we operate from each others strength we become a better team together.

4. Learn and Unlearn
If your spouse expects you to do this certain assignment and you don’t know what to do, can we encourage you to try to learn it? Don’t make it the excuse not to do it.

Learning makes each one grow as a person.

Take classes for basic life skills: Cooking, chores, emergency response, negotiations, child handling etc. It’s never too late to learn.

It may also require some of us to unlearn. Sometimes its harder to unlearn bad habits than to learn new ones. Sometimes it requires that we don’t leave our clothes on the floor for our spouse to pick up. Sometimes unlearning means to stop speaking harshly to your spouse when he doesn’t meet your expectations.

Unlearning may also mean letting go your family traditions and culture so that you can start a new one that kicks off a wonderful legacy for your family.

5. Higher the Appreciation
In all of this, remember to celebrate your differences. Sometimes we need to cut some slack off our spouse by increasing our appreciation while we lower down our expectation.

John may not open the door for me but he carries my bag and isn’t ashamed to do it.

He may not give me flowers – but he surprises me with out of the country trips and gadgets I don’t ever think about.

He doesn’t dance ballroom but he will get on the dance floor with me and dance hip hop style.

He doesn’t like museums and art gallery but he has entered every single one with me – even if he sleeps on some of it – I know he is trying to learn the things I love.

I appreciate my husband so much because despite of not being this and that on my want list – he always has a way to exceed more than what I expect.

Are you wanting to learn how to communicate with each other? John and I are speaking this Saturday in Saturdates about Tips to Resolving Conflict. 2-5pm CCF Center, Pasig. Feel free to join us.[/x_text][/x_column][/x_row][/x_section][x_section style=”margin: 0px 0px 0px 0px; padding: 45px 0px 45px 0px; “][x_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” bg_color=”” style=”margin: 0px auto 0px auto; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_column bg_color=”” type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_image type=”none” src=”http://weddingsatwork.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/04/12924421_1674399886155809_3548093271928633775_n.jpg” alt=”” link=”false” href=”#” title=”” target=”” info=”none” info_place=”top” info_trigger=”hover” info_content=””][/x_column][/x_row][/x_section][x_section style=”margin: 0px 0px 0px 0px; padding: 45px 0px 45px 0px; “][x_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” bg_color=”” style=”margin: 0px auto 0px auto; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_column bg_color=”” type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_text]Photos by John & Monique Ong[/x_text][/x_column][/x_row][/x_section][x_section style=”margin: 0px 0px 0px 0px; padding: 45px 0px 45px 0px; “][x_row inner_container=”true” marginless_columns=”false” bg_color=”” style=”margin: 0px auto 0px auto; padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_column bg_color=”” type=”1/1″ style=”padding: 0px 0px 0px 0px; “][x_block_grid type=”two-up”][x_block_grid_item][/x_block_grid_item][x_block_grid_item]About John & Monique Ong: Husband and Wife John and Monique Ong are partners in every sense – from homeschooling their children, running their business Imagine Nation Photography Inc, blogging, and in helping equip soon-to-wed couples and newlyweds for their lives together.[/x_block_grid_item][/x_block_grid][/x_column][/x_row][/x_section]